| 29 April 2010
"Do your priorities change as you're hitting?" I asked a 45-year-old player the other morning. He'd been struggling with money, career and family for over a decade. If he takes a certain job he'll lose the day-to-day connection with his young family for many months at a time. If they move with him to the job location his wife will lose her job, health benefits and some pension. The children will be uprooted; neither parent wants them to lose the continuity of friendships and teacher relationships. Though he knows everyone needs to learn adjustments at every age and compromises are inevitable, he's frustrated and confused. He wants out of the cycle he's been trapped in.
"My priorities..." he announced proudly, "they're the same all the time. I want to hit well. Ha! You thought I was gonna say ‘win.'"
"I don't believe you. There's no way that when you mis-hit a ball your priorities remain on ‘hitting well.'"
"I still want the ball to go where I want it to go," he defended.
We went out to the court to hit with our attention on what's important shot for shot. He was suddenly very focused; the first few dozen shots needed no adjustments.
When one shot floated higher than I know he likes, he hit the following shot into the net. "Your priority changed?" I asked and stated at the same time.
"No," he said.
"You didn't want to hit the shot that landed in the net lower than the floater?"
"Of course I did."
"But your intention for the floater was a drive to the backcourt?"
"So."
"Your priority changed in response to the floater - the shot you didn't like."
His head nodded recognition as he walked back to the baseline to restart the rally. His mind quieted; we had a 40-shot rally. He laughed when he shots were not perfect.
"To observe my priorities - shot for shot - seems to require me to accept my performance, rather than judge every outcome."
"Then you are able to re-prioritize."
"I may have to stop fighting it."
My priorities don't change every shot, but they are frequently modified. When I mis-hit a shot I either refocus on the ball or loosen my grip or remember the sound of the ball on the strings... I even ask myself "What did I want?" or "If I want something, what might it be?" The "want" often connects me to the priority. My priorities juggle into a new order; eventually coming back to the original order: play to win. But, as they say, and my student is pondering: winning isn't everything; or is it?
I saw the same guy today.
"If you only needed to please yourself, how would you hit?"
He nodded, knowing what I meant and hit the ball solidly but without passion. He seemed unsure.
"If you needed to make everyone around you happy - except yourself - how would you hit?"
His backswing shortened, his focus got intense and each shot was hit hard and flat. He seemed pissed off.
"If your only priority was your children - no wife to please or career obligations - how would you hit?"
His shoulders dropped and he easily flowed through each shot. He seemed content.
"If you only followed your heart?"
He opened up even more with his swing and started hitting with more spins and artistry. Though he showed a lot less consistency for the tennis, he had much more fun for the man who didn't need to win.
"I've been squashing my joy," he noted at the end of the session. "When I follow other people's needs, I lose a lot of myself."
I agreed. Winning was now not everything - it was much more; and I left the rest up to him. He now had choices.
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